13 Weeks

Stats:
13 Weeks 3 Days
Starting Weight: 135
Current Weight: 136
Issues: None really. My pants are all getting too tight.

Well, I thought I wasn't going to need maternity clothes until a little further down the road, but I was wrong. It really is true: you "show" a lot faster with your second. I woke up a few days ago and glimpsed at myself in the mirror and thought I could suck it in. Nope. So my "pooch" is turning into a little belly. It's still not an obvious pregnancy belly, but it's enough for me to notice it. I'm still not wearing maternity clothes yet. I'm just using the old rubber band to keep the button on my pants connected. I've noticed that a lot of the shirts that I have and that are in fashion right now provide a loose fit around the tummy area, so that helps in the fashion department as well.

As I mentioned last week, I thought I began to feel movement about a week ago. Every day at random times, baby lets me know that it's there. It's not the "big" movements I will be feeling later on down the road, and the flutters are not even as strong as they will be in a few weeks...but because I know what to look for now, I'm feeling very subtle flutters. It's a pretty neat feeling, although right now there's really no pattern to it. I have to be very still, such as lying down or sitting in one place for a while to feel them. It's way cool.

I've decided that I really like my perinatologist, Dr. Kuhlman. I was a mess after finding out that I had Factor V Leiden because all I could think of was how it was going to affect this baby. Because it brought up a lot of thoughts about Brooke, I think that just propelled my emotions and I became very scared. After fretting for two days, I finally called her to just have a few questions answered. I wanted to know why I was only on baby aspirin and if I do develop a clot that would affect the baby (i.e. in the placenta or the cord), would they be able to know? She was so kind in answering my questions. She didn't make me feel dumb at all (like many doctors do) and invited me to bring ANY concerns I have to her. She said I only really need a baby aspirin because I personally have not had any problems with a blood clot and of the seven clotting conditions she tested me for, only 1 came back positive. Even after having a c-section I didn't develop a clot (most people w/this condition are prone to develop them after surgery). She said the baby aspirin should be good to just thin my blood a little bit. As far as my concerns about the baby, she said that there wasn't any problems with Brooke's placenta (it was analyzed after delivery) and she doesn't anticipate any with this baby. However, she said they will be watching the baby's growth and other factors, such as my amniotic fluid levels, very closely in the final two months of my pregnancy. If they detect something abnormal at that time, she said then they would have reason to suspect something wasn't right. I felt very good after talking with her, mostly because she didn't make me feel dumb.

The hardest part about having had a stillbirth is that there are so many unknowns. While Brooke's death was ruled a cord accident, I still feel like there is still so much unknown about what really happened. And the only one who knows is God. I still struggle with losing her, although I know I've come a long way, I will just never be the same again. There's just so many emotions that I can't fully explain after going through something like that.

I felt like I took a dive in my faith walk after that episode. I just had to be reminded that God is in control...not me...not my doctors. There is nothing I can do that will alter His plan for me or this child. He had me reading some scripture in my Daily Bible that just reaffirmed that notion, and I knew He was speaking to me. So after asking forgiveness and expressing a heartfelt cry, I felt much better. To make things even better, He answered some things I have been praying for for a while this week...almost like He was like, "See, I hear you." Not that He has to do that...He's God...but it's so awesome that He loves us enough to do that.

Regular doctor appointment is this Wednesday. I have my next ultrasound with my perinatologist in the beginning to middle of October. Hard to believe....but if the baby cooperates, we will find out if we are expecting a little girl or a little boy at that ultrasound. So exciting. :)